


I Still Love Him

by hamburr_fangirl



Series: Random Hamilton Oneshots [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Canonical Character Death, Eliza Loved Alexander so Much, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Inspired by Music, Sad Ending, She Deserved Better, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-13
Updated: 2017-08-13
Packaged: 2018-12-15 00:27:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11794629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hamburr_fangirl/pseuds/hamburr_fangirl
Summary: "I always got the sense that he became torn between being a good person and missing out on all the opportunities that life could offer a man as magnificent as him.""And in that way I... understood him. And I loved him.... I loved him, I loved him! I loved him...""... and I still love him. I love him."OrEliza deserved so much better.





	I Still Love Him

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by "I Still Love Him" by Lana Del Rey and Szin's animation.
> 
> Links:  
> 
> 
> [Lana Del Rey](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eHK4nEksgYc)
> 
> [Szin Animation](https://m.youtube.com/watch?list=PL4xgC_F6skl0nCh12Bqd7ujnXtfqVclPW&v=CYtVIZOo6tQ)

_And I remember when I met him, it was so clear that_  
_He was the only one for me_

"Elizabeth Schuyler. It's a pleasure to meet you." I bowed to you, my cheeks were rosy.

You, the man my dear sister had brought over, sounded surprised, yet also amused.

"Schuyler?"

Before I could say a word, my sister spoke, smiling brightly. "My sister."

I smiled at you. "Thank you for all your service." I knew you were a soldier, the look in your eyes told me as much. Dreary, but alert all the same. You had such wonderful eyes.

"If it takes fighting a war for us to meet it will have been worth it." You took my hand and placed a gentle kiss on it. When our gazes met I couldn't look away.

_We both knew it, right away_

We got married after only one month. Your words wooed me, you built me palaces from them. Every day, I read your letters. And it did not take long, for me to fall for you.

"I swear Eliza, you'll never feel so helpless."

"I do, I do, I do!"

I was so happy. I loved you more than anything.

When our son was born, I was the happiest woman alive.

_And as the years went on, things got more difficult_  
_We were faced with more challenges_

You wouldn't stop working.

"Alexander, please take a break."

"I cannot, I have so much on my plate."

You ignored our son. Philip needed his father, he loved you more than anything, why could you not see that?

You were obsessed with your work, and our family was beginning to fall apart.

You nearly missed our son's ninth birthday.

_I begged him to stay_  
_Try to remember what we had at the beginning_

"Take a break. Run away with us upstate." I begged you to come.

But you refused. "Eliza, I have too much work to do."

My sister arrived. "Alexander." She said.

"Hello."

"It's good to see your face." She spoke with a warm smile. You smiled back.

"Angelica," I said. "Tell this man John Adams spends summer with his family."

You glared at me. "Tell my wife John Adams doesn't have a real job anyway."

"..." Angelica was angry "You are not joining us?"

But you were not swayed. "I must get my plan through Congress." You said softly. "You know this."

We begged but still, you refused.

We went upstate without you.

_He was charismatic, magnetic, electric and everybody knew it_

I hear the whispers. I am not naive.

"Tomorrow they'll be more of us!"

"He will never be satisfied... I will never be satisfied."

"If you pay, you could stay!"

I know how you are.

_When he walked in every woman's head turned, everyone stood up_  
_To talk to him_

She went to you for help.

"I know you are a man of honor..."

And when she offered, you couldn't say no. Why could you not say no?

"Don't say no to this..."

"I... don't say no to this."

_He was like this hybrid, this mix of a man who couldn't contain himself_

I received news of your latest writing. I read it myself.

How could you?

How could you publish something like this? You've ruined our lives!

The words that I used to love to read, the same words that made me fall for you, you used to break my heart.

You couldn't say no and you broke my heart.

Our bed was so cold without you.

_I always got the sense that he became torn_  
_Between being a good person_

I burned all your letters. All the reminders that you had once been mine.

"You forfeit all rights to my heart! You forfeit the place in our bed!"

I couldn't stop crying.

"I hope that you burn..."

_And missing out on all of the opportunities_  
_That life could offer a man as magnificent as him_

You wrote hundreds upon thousands of pages of writing. You never stopped. You were nonstop. You never had any time for us.

And when you finally did, our son was killed. He is gone now. We can never get him back.

Our eldest daughter couldn't handle the grief. Our lively little Angie is just a ghost of herself now.

Those lonely months were so difficult.

_And in that way I understood him_  
_And I loved him_  
_I loved him, I loved him, I loved him_

You returned to our home. We took walks and grieved. Yet still, I could not forgive you for everything you've done.

You broke my heart and now our son is dead.

"Eliza..." You said one day, softly. "If I could spare his life." You sobbed. "If I could trade his life for mine... He'd be standing here right now." Your smile is trembling, your beautiful eyes filled with tears. "And you would smile, that would be enough."

Tears of my own were beginning to rise.

"Please..." You whispered. "Just let me stay by your side. That would be enough."

We stood in silence. You stared at the ground, while I stared ahead, tears falling. I reached my hand out and grasped yours.

"I forgive you," I whispered, squeezing your hand.

Our bed was warm and our family became one once more.

_Bang!_

But then you left.

"I have a meeting outside of town at dawn." You told me.

The next time I saw you, you were laying on a bed, taking your last breaths.

My heart was broken once more.

_And I still love him_  
_I love him_

I stopped wasting time in tears.

I put myself back into the narrative for you. I tried to make sense of your writing... I tried to give you a legacy. I gave you everything.

My time is now up. Was it enough?


End file.
